On Religion

I was raised Catholic, and went to Catholic school. I distinctly remember my first official initiation ceremony of First Communion. I took the host into my mouth and sucked on it's chalky texture (you weren't supposed to bite it, only let it dissolve on your tongue...lest you bite Jesus's body and make him bleed...wtf?) and went back to my seat to kneel and pray. I prayed...I listened, I felt....nothing. Where was god? Where was Jesus? Wasn't this supposed to be a holy moment, filling my body and soul with the Holy Spirit of God? There I was, at age 7, feeling disillusionment, heavily, for the first time. It wouldn't be the last. It happened again at 13 when I was confirmed by holy oil, anointed by the Bishop of my diocese. That's kinda where I gave up on organized religion for the first time. It would happen again for the final time in my late 20's. It was telling me things that I knew weren't true.

Now- don't get me wrong. I am a very spiritual person, I believe in God, Jesus's ministry, and the power of Christianity. I just don't believe one iota of what any living person wants to tell, teach, or get me to do about it. I believe that these beliefs are personal, that I am on a walk with God through my daily life, and that walk is between Him and me...and he is the only one who cares what I do about it. It's no one else's business. Nor is it my "divine duty" to force it on anyone else.

I feel a sense of dread and shame whenever someone on TV starts spouting their religious views, when a politician brings up their thoughts on abortion or religious freedom, when friends talk about only listening to "christian" music or reading "christian" books. Whatever. I don't remember reading in the Bible that Jesus only listened to that kind of music or read that literature, oh, wait, Jesus was a JEW, people. I can't stand religious rants on Facebook, whether they be negative OR positive. I just don't want to read or hear about someone else's religious viewpoints unless they are specifically asking me to have a conversation about it- which I love and will do anytime. Please don't publicly embarrass all Christians everywhere by being stupid about it online or on TV. That's where the shame comes in. I don't want to be associated with "those people." I feel like it damages my own reputation to be lumped in with "them."

So how do I celebrate my religion? By feeling JOY in every moment I can. Right now, I am sitting on the balcony outside because it is a beautiful day. I hear late-season cicadas who haven't gone back to sleep yet, a plane overhead, the rustle of leaves, falling acorns hitting the wooden planks of fences with a hollow-sounding "pop," and birds. Lots of them. I feel the breeze, the tickle of my loose hair around my face, the chill of the concrete deck through my socks. I taste the mint I am sucking on.

I sing every Monday night with a group of ladies, I go hiking in the woods, I craft and create art, I read, I write, I make videos to share art instruction with the world, I love my husband, kitties, and extended family. I give what I can, when I can. I adhere to my morals, values, and ethics. They were made and molded by my early religious training, and for the most part they provide a good framework for my value system. When something doesn't fit, I examine it down to the core beliefs and adapt it if necessary so I can stay committed to my ethics.

I am honest, I am compassionate, I am generous, I try to turn moments of envy into moments of abundance and learning (How wonderful for you, them, everyone! Now how can I get some of that, too?)

And this, my friends, is how I turn religion into JOY.

From Rumination to Illumination

Rumination is usually defined as repetitively focusing on the symptoms of distress, and on its possible causes and consequences. Extensive research on the effects of rumination, or the tendency to self-reflect, shows that the negative form of rumination interferes with people’s ability to focus on problem-solving and results in dwelling on negative thoughts about past failures.

I just had the best experience in a long time- I got to Skype chat with Marney Makridakis, the founder of Artellaland.com. I've been following the site for years now. Can I just say that Marney is VERY smart? And a generous soul who gave me an hour of her time, free. In that hour, I was able to realize what my heart has been telling me about my life mission, and therefore I changed the title of my blog and now will change my focus as well. It's always been there, I just haven't been able to listen to the quiet, deep part of my soul that is telling me what my REAL, true wish is as a helping professional.

I am a teacher- through and through. I've taught others my whole life, and dedicated myself to lifelong learning. 

I've read several pieces of literature which suggest that teachers are people who have not had a healthy upbringing- rather they have had struggles to deal with, in some cases, all their lives. This makes this special group of people highly empathetic. Many become psychologists, counselors, or therapists of some kind or another. Many get specialized training to do these things, and I believe that in many cases it's because they want to practice in a medical field that they are forced to get this training. But it doesn't take "letters" after your name or a Master's degree to make someone a teacher or counselor. It's a gift.

Somewhere in my early 30's, I realized that I spent a lot of time in Rumination. That is to say, that I could identify the causes and effects of the negative parts of my rearing and psyche. I could think about them to no end, pick them apart, and wallow in them (which, as the definition above suggests, is what rumination often leads to.) But I was getting no where in this endless cycle of negative thinking. I was still depressed, passively suicidal (wishing your airplane will crash when upon takeoff is a terrible thing to live through) and wondering about the meaning of life. Questions I had since age 8 or so. I realized that I had to let the light in, and let my light out. My focus then became finding the light. I did some reading, meditation, study and therapy. I still have a ways to go, and my teachers assure me that I will probably spend the rest of my life "perfecting" my own approach to happiness, fulfillment, and contentment- three states of mind that sometimes coexist, sometimes not.

My gift is this- I now understand how to shine. I know the path, and I want to share it. I believe that creativity and positive thinking can lead you there. As humans, we all share the power to create, and the power to think- to make new life, to make art and build things, to tell stories, to imagine things that weren't there before. Creativity and Positivity is our gift. I'm not just talking about art making, although that tends to be my primary expression. I do like to write as well :)