It really is ALL ABOUT YOU. A Mini-Manifesto, kinda

Be responsible for you- completely. 

Own your thoughts, words and actions- completely. 

Be proactive. Respond responsibly, rather than React, to what other people think, say and do. 

Our culture is perverse these days, maybe for much longer than that. The perversity I'm talking about is self-sacrifice. Don't get me wrong, this concept is important and is a founding thought for many world religions- because of the nature of what "doing good" means and the effect it has on the world.

It's awesome to do good deeds. It makes you feel good and it helps others, but only when it's done properly- from a place of giving, and the spirit of wanting to do it because you intrinsically know that it is the right thing to do.

It becomes perverse when you are constantly given messages that convey that somehow, your desires and responsibilities are NOT GOOD ENOUGH when compared to the desires of others, and your responsibilities to others. We are fed this message from our early years- we have to share, we have to compromise, we have to capitulate to others' needs in order for our deeds and actions to have any value. We now, in America, have to stop doing anything that might somehow offend someone else, because it would be wrong to offend someone by doing what YOU want to do, wearing what you want to wear, worshiping how you want to worship, or saying what you want to say. We are taught to think before doing anything- because it might offend someone else, and if it will, then it is not a worthy pursuit.

There is a difference, people, between being selfish, being self-centered, and having self-esteem. There is a difference between being self-sacrificing, and just being a good person. There is a difference between having tact and being socially well-adjusted, and just being a jerk. But the differences have become very blurred, and at this point I believe most people are falling into two major groups: jerks, and codependents. Notice I said "most people." Because I do believe there are a fair number of people out there who have good self-esteem, are socially adjusted, have tact, understand how and want to do good for others, and have not lost themselves in the process. I don't need to speak to those people, they know who they are. They won't even resonate with what I'm saying, because it doesn't matter to them- I have a friend like this, and when I talk to her about it, she doesn't "get it," and I don't hold it against her one bit- because she is lucky to be emotionally healthy.

But what about you? I can tell you right now- you only have responsibility for a very narrow, deep bunch of stuff- and it's all about YOU.

• what you say & do
• how you say it or do it
• why you say & do things

Are you getting the big picture here? You are responsible for YOU. You are not responsible for other people's actions, thoughts, deeds or proclamations. If you have kids or others you are directly responsible to help raise or get through this life, then you can add that to your responsibility list- but you are still not responsible for what COMES OUT OF THEM. You are only responsible for what YOU PUT IN, and what you give them access to. For example, if you keep firearms in your house and your kids get them and cause physical hurt to themselves or someone else, you are responsible for giving them access. But if you teach them right and wrong, and they decide to do wrong, they are responsible.  If you teach them what you want them to know, and they seek knowledge elsewhere, you are not responsible for what they create with the knowledge- they are. I'm thinking way back to Adam and Eve here. God told them what to do, what to eat... they chose what they chose, and it wasn't his fault- it was theirs. So if God could give up responsibility for his children's mistakes and punish them for doing what they did, why can't we? Because we are taught from the time we can function as toddlers that self-sacrifice and self-debasement is "how it's done." 

It's time to start taking responsibility for ourselves. To do, say, think, eat, wear, worship, be friends with, support... the list goes on here, what WE want. If everyone did that, honestly, and didn't get mixed up in telling others what to do, or in trying to "get inside the mind" of others and figure out what they want from us, the world would be a better place.

I think about my friends who are dating. They ask me things like.... "How long should I wait to text him back?" "What do you think he meant by saying ___?" "Should I.....fill in the blank."

My answer is: 1. Do what YOU want. 2. Call or text when YOU want to. 3. How the heck should I know what he meant or thought? Why don't you ask HIM?

Why play games? Because every magazine and website says to. They all tell girls to play a certain game to "catch" a guy. I'm sure the guys' websites and magazines say the same thing about chasing girls. This, of course, is only one example of the ways we use our self-debasement culture to mess up a totally fun thing, in this case, finding the ONE.

OK, stepping down from the soapbox now- I've studied so much in the past few years regarding my own emotional health that I now feel very relaxed and open when friends ask for advice, and I really want to share this special message with more people.

Be responsible for you- completely. Own your thoughts, words and actions- completely. Be proactive. Respond responsibly, rather than React, to what other people think, say and do.

You're not crazy-

I grew up in an abusive household. I hate to say it, because my Dad is still around and although he didn't directly abuse me, ever, he did leave me and my siblings with an alcoholic mother to deal with while he worked. Adult children of alcoholics (that's what we're called) are codependent people. It's a fact, and it was in studying ACOAs that codependent behavior was actually discovered, categorized, and labeled. So there's no escaping it. Actually, it felt very liberating when I found out- no one wants to hear that they are codependent- but when you are actually diagnosed, it feels incredible.

I went to a therapist a couple years ago because I thought I was crazy. Insane. I was accepting behavior from those around me that was astonishingly terrible, and I was committing the same levels of atrocious behavior myself. Mostly I just felt like I was emotionally out of control. I wasn't going to do anything stupid. But I felt like I was absolutely stuck, especially in my relationship with my husband and my options for living my life. There were no boundaries between me, him, everyone, and my desires for my life were in no way being fulfilled.

When I discussed exactly what was going on with my doctor, she gave me the book Codependent No More and told me to read it asap. I saw myself in those pages and breathed a sigh of relief. And I believe there were tears too. I was NOT crazy, I am codependent. At least I could DO something about that. It's not easy- believe me.

What has helped? Well, at that time I was seriously seeking and trying hard to figure out what was wrong with me. I had already lost my faith (it's been found again...) so that was out. I turned to books like Byron Katie's Loving what is, and Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life.  If you are codie like me, I highly recommend both of them. They will change your life if you let them.

Now, when I'm frustrated, I turn to the Work- which has an amazing worksheet you can use for any situation to bring yourself back down to earth. This worksheet helps you to turn a situation inside out and see it from perspectives besides your own (which can be skewed by lack of boundaries, and lots of other things.) Louise's book and philosophy is all about positive affirmations. Which work. For a long time, when I was actively in therapy and studying to overcome the symptoms of codependency, my favorite was, and still is, "I am ok." As a child, I spent a lot of time being not ok- and as an adult, I sometimes need a reminder that even if I feel crazed, alone, or confused, in my present moment I am ok. Really.

Experiments in green smoothies.

So I've been watching all kinds of food documentaries lately. Wanting to be more healthy, Wanting to eat more vegetables and fruit, Wanting to look and feel better, Wanting to drop the weight that I added when I let myself go.

Juicing seemed a viable option, But very expensive and I don't own a juicer. I do however have a kitchen ninja. So today I decided to see if it was up to the task of puréeing some fruits and vegetables.

Here's what I got: large leaf spinach, Kale, Strawberries, Plum Orange, Gala apples, Peruvian mango, banana.

What I ended up putting in: Four stalks of kale, two large spinach leaves, Half of the Apple, Orange, mango and banana, and Five strawberries. Then my ninja chopped them all up into tiny little pieces. The result was 30 ounces of green vegetable sludge. It actually tasted really good but seemed like it would be hard to swallow.

So I poured some out and I decided to add some soymilk.

Voilà, vegetable and fruit perfection. It tastes great and there's lots of servings of my daily veggies and fruits, No added sugar, And drinkable through a straw, which is very important to me. Lol.

My goal is to drink three glasses of this each day instead of having breakfast and lunch. We'll see how that goes.

Then I'll eat dinner with the hubby which is usually some form of lentil and barley soup. Sometimes with curry, sometimes with mushrooms, sometimes with potatoes, And once in a while with sausage. We're trying to eat meat very infrequently. We shall see how that goes since we're both huge meat eaters. And I do mean huge, no pun intended.

From Rumination to Illumination

Rumination is usually defined as repetitively focusing on the symptoms of distress, and on its possible causes and consequences. Extensive research on the effects of rumination, or the tendency to self-reflect, shows that the negative form of rumination interferes with people’s ability to focus on problem-solving and results in dwelling on negative thoughts about past failures.

I just had the best experience in a long time- I got to Skype chat with Marney Makridakis, the founder of Artellaland.com. I've been following the site for years now. Can I just say that Marney is VERY smart? And a generous soul who gave me an hour of her time, free. In that hour, I was able to realize what my heart has been telling me about my life mission, and therefore I changed the title of my blog and now will change my focus as well. It's always been there, I just haven't been able to listen to the quiet, deep part of my soul that is telling me what my REAL, true wish is as a helping professional.

I am a teacher- through and through. I've taught others my whole life, and dedicated myself to lifelong learning. 

I've read several pieces of literature which suggest that teachers are people who have not had a healthy upbringing- rather they have had struggles to deal with, in some cases, all their lives. This makes this special group of people highly empathetic. Many become psychologists, counselors, or therapists of some kind or another. Many get specialized training to do these things, and I believe that in many cases it's because they want to practice in a medical field that they are forced to get this training. But it doesn't take "letters" after your name or a Master's degree to make someone a teacher or counselor. It's a gift.

Somewhere in my early 30's, I realized that I spent a lot of time in Rumination. That is to say, that I could identify the causes and effects of the negative parts of my rearing and psyche. I could think about them to no end, pick them apart, and wallow in them (which, as the definition above suggests, is what rumination often leads to.) But I was getting no where in this endless cycle of negative thinking. I was still depressed, passively suicidal (wishing your airplane will crash when upon takeoff is a terrible thing to live through) and wondering about the meaning of life. Questions I had since age 8 or so. I realized that I had to let the light in, and let my light out. My focus then became finding the light. I did some reading, meditation, study and therapy. I still have a ways to go, and my teachers assure me that I will probably spend the rest of my life "perfecting" my own approach to happiness, fulfillment, and contentment- three states of mind that sometimes coexist, sometimes not.

My gift is this- I now understand how to shine. I know the path, and I want to share it. I believe that creativity and positive thinking can lead you there. As humans, we all share the power to create, and the power to think- to make new life, to make art and build things, to tell stories, to imagine things that weren't there before. Creativity and Positivity is our gift. I'm not just talking about art making, although that tends to be my primary expression. I do like to write as well :)

Self Portrait Sundays....Mixed-Media art time

I've decided that Sunday afternoons are a perfect time to make a mess, reflect, and be quiet...while making art and expanding my drawing/painting/mixed-media skills.

Art is a language with it's own vocabulary. If you don't practice, just like any other discipline, you lose your skills. So during this quiet time, I am putting my skills to the test while trying out some techniques I've thought about, read about, watched on a youtube video, or just simply haven't tried before. Some are tried and true- it's amazing how many people are teaching "how to draw a face" but really there is just one way. After you learn the "proper way," developing your style is all about drawing how YOU like to draw. My faces tend to be slightly idealized and very soft- often the softest part of my painting is the face, with the other details much more textured and prominent. I think that has to do with the fact that I have freckles, and I seriously envy clear porcelain skin. lol

Here's the full painting. I've been thinking about some things I need to do, want to do...so "She knew she could do it" came from within.

She Knew She Could Do It- Mixed-Media painting by Kira Slye

When someone mean hurts your feelings...

Someone was mean to me and Ilysa today. That someone bought a video product, decided he didn't like it, and told us that we suck. In no uncertain terms- he laid it all out there, called us names, questioned the integrity of our business, and threatened to libel us all over the internet.

We have a 100% graciousness policy (that's what I decided to call it today.) We do not blast anyone- even if they, say, steal $5K from us, abuse us, call us names, tell us to travel 1,000 miles to visit an event and then look us straight in the eye and say "what are YOU doing here?" Yes, those things have actually happened. And those people have gone on their merry way, saying things about us the way they do. We are ALWAYS nice, we always give the benefit of the doubt...we never call names. We allow other people to make fools of themselves, but we never return the favor. Ilysa was so miffed this morning she was going to email The Guy- and then a big storm brewed up, the power went out, and she considered it Divine Intervention and called it a day. Good advice- take a deep breath and get over it.

The guy this morning. He is obviously a jerk, and not the right customer for us. Refunded his money and told him to have a nice day- he said if we gave him his money back, we would never hear from him again...Do you think he'll keep the promise? Please do, sir. We don't want your negativity. Not when at almost precisely the same moment, I got this comment:

Kira thanks so much I've always wanted to know how to antique and the other tips you gave along the way were priceless. I'm learning so much I'm so grateful for you. I was stuck and this lesson has given me the renewal I needed. It's people like you that will continue to prosper and stay blessed because you dont keep your fist closed. You gladly open your heart and give more than you know. 

So, There. Go, be free. Just keep your name-calling to yourself.

Shut Up and Put Out!

OK, that's a little strongly stated, but that's the point. Ilysa and I were talking business this morning and we decided that is going to be the theme of our new crafting community. We are both action-minded women, and Ilysa has been self employed for almost her whole adult life- and that is my goal too. In the next 2 years, I plan to leave "the Man" behind and work for The Woman- Me! But that requires SMART goals and planning. You need to do small, measurable, attainable, relevant, timely things in order to move forward in life. That's what we will be talking, writing, videoing, and blogging about in the near future over at ThingsCrafty. We've got great things in the works- and we will be explaining how sometimes you need to just Shut Up your mouth or your brain, and Put Out- that means get it done!

Art Journal- SCORE! at the Goodwill

I found this awesome blank book for $3.50 yesterday at our local Goodwill. I couldn't resist, because the pages, which I assume are for gluing in photos, are big, blank, and a nice heavy weight. Perfect for an art journal, a task which I have often thought about undertaking but have never actually done.

This book is bound in a very time-honored traditional way, it's called Japanese stab-binding. Basically a fancy way to say, there are holes going all the way thru the pages and the covers, and a string is holding them in. Rather than having a spine, the spine is open and you can see the edges, and the front and rear covers bend when the book opens. So if I want to, I can even remove pages in order to paint them. I plan to use a lot of gesso- tip- sometimes I keep a container of Kilz primer around- it's cheaper than gesso, and does the same thing.

Part of my creative anxiety stems from the question "Will it matter?" and I have decided that yes, it will, even if only to me. Now the anxiety that comes up next is, do I have time for this? With all the other things in my life that I am dying, or trying, to start up, do I really have time to write, scribble, draw, paint and collage in this book? Or is it just another creative diversion? Well, I suppose creative diversions are important too. I always tell my students that it is important to practice, you can't "think" your way through a project. So it's high-time for a taste of my own medicine. I recently got several new books on mixed media techniques, all of which seem very logical to me- but I can't own those techniques until I really try them out. So, here we go...

Starving Artist? We need to thrive instead

I love Angi, and just wanted to share what she has to say about this topic. In recent months, through therapy and reading, I've uncovered the negativity in my soul- in America, we are raised with horrible social norms including the idea that taking care of ourselves is a selfish act. That not finishing the food on our plate is somehow causing children to starve to death in China, that we must take care of others at the expense of ourselves, that sacrificing our desires is actually a desirable character trait. We then buy into the idea that to want- to really want, is to take from someone else. What a crock of .....
Anyway, enjoy.

Working with positive Affirmations.

I got an app that features list of rotating affirmations -475 of them! Did you know you could say that many positive things to yourself? Most people spend all day cutting themselves apart, saying "I should've, could have, wish I had..." etc. I am experimenting with only saying positive things to myself. So far its been great. My favorite one is "I'm ok." Over and over, since I am prone to irrational anxiety. It helps.