You're not crazy-

I grew up in an abusive household. I hate to say it, because my Dad is still around and although he didn't directly abuse me, ever, he did leave me and my siblings with an alcoholic mother to deal with while he worked. Adult children of alcoholics (that's what we're called) are codependent people. It's a fact, and it was in studying ACOAs that codependent behavior was actually discovered, categorized, and labeled. So there's no escaping it. Actually, it felt very liberating when I found out- no one wants to hear that they are codependent- but when you are actually diagnosed, it feels incredible.

I went to a therapist a couple years ago because I thought I was crazy. Insane. I was accepting behavior from those around me that was astonishingly terrible, and I was committing the same levels of atrocious behavior myself. Mostly I just felt like I was emotionally out of control. I wasn't going to do anything stupid. But I felt like I was absolutely stuck, especially in my relationship with my husband and my options for living my life. There were no boundaries between me, him, everyone, and my desires for my life were in no way being fulfilled.

When I discussed exactly what was going on with my doctor, she gave me the book Codependent No More and told me to read it asap. I saw myself in those pages and breathed a sigh of relief. And I believe there were tears too. I was NOT crazy, I am codependent. At least I could DO something about that. It's not easy- believe me.

What has helped? Well, at that time I was seriously seeking and trying hard to figure out what was wrong with me. I had already lost my faith (it's been found again...) so that was out. I turned to books like Byron Katie's Loving what is, and Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life.  If you are codie like me, I highly recommend both of them. They will change your life if you let them.

Now, when I'm frustrated, I turn to the Work- which has an amazing worksheet you can use for any situation to bring yourself back down to earth. This worksheet helps you to turn a situation inside out and see it from perspectives besides your own (which can be skewed by lack of boundaries, and lots of other things.) Louise's book and philosophy is all about positive affirmations. Which work. For a long time, when I was actively in therapy and studying to overcome the symptoms of codependency, my favorite was, and still is, "I am ok." As a child, I spent a lot of time being not ok- and as an adult, I sometimes need a reminder that even if I feel crazed, alone, or confused, in my present moment I am ok. Really.

Oh, the places you'll go...

Let's talk for a moment about places I've been, and places I want to go to.

I thought I might like to visit every country that starts with "I" first, since I've already got two under my belt- Italy and Ireland. Both beautiful places I very much wanted to see- Italy for the art, and Ireland because I'm an Irish lass- at least partially. I discovered interesting things in both places.

In Italy, I found that the most beautiful pieces of art are just lying around for everyone to see and touch. There are pieces of columns from the ancient Roman Forum just lying across the sidewalks. There are hand-carved marble Saints and nymphs adorning wall niches and fountains in very public, unprotected areas. It is strange and exciting, since here most of the art is in museums, behind glass or ropes. In Italy the art can be seen "in the wild," in it's natural intended everyday environment. My aunt that I travelled with would say, "What is that?" and I would answer, "Nothing special, just a fountain." Um, yeah, but the most beautiful fountain you ever laid eyes on...until the next one.

In Ireland, I discovered a wild place full of green. It was easy to believe the Faerie legends, deep in the dark woods next to streams and rocks as we hiked and climbed for better views. I also learned that with my dark hair, freckles, and green eyes, I am far more "Irish looking" than my fairer siblings. And I was told that the Irish genome is actually 96% Spanish, having been settled by Spaniards, hence the normal dark hair as opposed to light or red, which is what we think stereotypically as "Irish."

So the rest of the I countries are: Iran, Iraq and Israel... which I have absolutely no desire to visit... followed by Iceland and Indonesia, both strikingly different by highly desired due to the nature, and India. I would very much like to visit India without a schedule or plan, and with a whole lot of money for buying textiles and paper. I love the colors of India, and I would love to just go there and ask people to point me in the direction of some good local fabric dyers and artisans.

The other places I would really like to go? The countryside of China has some gorgeous mountains and rivers. Japan. Paris, of course. London, maybe...but it's lower on the list. Barcelona, Greece (Mykonos, actually.) Istanbul, when it's safe. I would have liked to see Egypt, but right now, not on the list. I would love to cruise the Aegean Sea.

I think I need to start saving a boatload of cash!

My Inner World

I've spent a lot of time alone in my life. When I was young, it was due to several things... I was a geek and a bit different, so there was that... but I also had a crazy mother. I mean it. She had some really strange ideas about life, and those ideas kept me, the oldest child, from having fun. Because she was nuts, it limited me- both by her "rules," and by the fact that I often did not want to bring other people or friends into my crazy world.

By age 8, I was practicing the piano 1 hour every day... by 13, it was 2 hours. So after school, which I usually walked home from, I did homework and practiced. When I joined band and track team, it was stay at school for that, walk home, 2 hours of piano, and homework. I was a straight-A student, so I did all of my homework and studying.. and was in bed by 9. So there was not a lot of time for friends outside of school and school activities. I did not have a phone or TV, and if I wanted to talk on the phone I had to do it in the kitchen (where my mother could hear me.) I had no privacy unless I was in my room, alone. If I wanted to play outside, I had to take my younger siblings with me. If I wanted to go out with friends, my mother would first ask me 50 questions, call the mom or dad, criticize what I chose to wear, and then tell me I had to be home by 10 (plans would often start around 9 pm.) Often I would just give up and decide not to go anywhere but instead sit alone in my room.

I became my own best friend, designing art, reading, talking to myself, and wishing for a different life. When the opportunity to go away to college finally came, I left and went as far away as the SUNY system would take me.

So for much of my young life, being alone was both a negative and a positive thing. Nowadays, I am content in my own company but I also long for balance. I enjoy time with friends, but I like it in small doses. I especially enjoy meeting and talking with strangers, which is why craft shows are very appealing to me- I can get to know someone quickly, compliment them, find out what makes them tick, and then they leave me alone. I largely live in my inner world, I don't watch much TV and don't like gossip. Perhaps I am so used to being alone that the expectations of long-standing friendships are difficult for me. For example, I can't imagine what it would be like to have a friend I spoke with on the phone every week. What on earth would we talk about? lol.

How do YOU feel when you are by yourself?